We All Need Somebody To Lean On

It’s very important to learn to be self-sufficient and independent, but the truth is that we can’t go it alone, and we shouldn’t. Just as vital as possessing drive and determination is building a strong support system of people who have our best interests at heart. We need supporters in every aspect of our life, personal and professional, to be there for us when we need words of encouragement, a vote of confidence, or confirmation that we are, in fact, not crazy.  Developing these relationships takes time and effort, but is well worthwhile.

In your personal life, realize that different kinds of friends provide different kinds of support. When you’re going through a tough time, sometimes laughter can be the best medicine. Know which friend tells the best jokes and always seems to lighten the mood, and which friend is the best companion for a night on the town. It’s also important to have someone you can spill your heart to when you’re happy or sad. Not everyone is a good listener in person, but some people write really thoughtful responses to novel-length e-mails, so use technology to your benefit. Also, make sure you share good news with your supporters, instead of just going to them when disaster strikes. If they are true friends, they’ll find as much joy in your happiness as they would in their own.

We don’t all become friends with the people we work with, and that’s okay. But, it’s important to find at least one co-worker who you can trust to give you their honest opinion.  Even if it’s just running an e-mail by them before you hit Send, practicing a presentation, or getting advice on how to deal with a particular client or co-worker, having someone to turn to in the office is incredibly helpful. Having these types of professional relationships can also prove beneficial when you move on to another job. You will have someone, in addition to your supervisor, who can speak knowledgeably about your work and vouch for your skills and experience.

There is nothing wrong with asking for help, even though it might be easier for some people than others. As the classic song says, we all need somebody to lean on. But, we can’t just expect people to be there for us if we haven’t given them a reason to be. Building a strong support system is a process much like building any structure. You have to start with a good foundation; in this case, things like trust and reliability are key. Certain parts serve different purposes, just like the various types of friends and acquaintances we have in our lives. Gratitude is like a roof; it tops it off and keeps it secure for the future.  The process of building is hard work, but hopefully the finished product will last for a long, long time.

Who do you lean on?

If I Am Not For Myself, Who Will Be For Me?

“If I am not for myself, who will be for me?

If I am only for myself, what am I?

And, if not now, when?”  

The meaning and interpretation of these questions, posed by Hillel (rabbi and scholar) many years ago, have long been the subject of discussion and debate.  They are questions that force us to look inward and truly consider the way we are living our lives.

“If I am not for myself, who will be for me?” When it comes down to it, we have to take care of ourselves. We can’t fully depend on others, or let others depend fully on us. There comes a time when we need to be selfish. Go to that doctor’s appointment you’ve been putting off. Take a day off from work and do nothing. Call it a “mental health day.” If there’s a movie you really want to see, but all of your friends laugh when you suggest it, go by yourself. (You won’t have to share the popcorn!) If you’ve got too much on your plate, say no. Stand up for what you believe in. Take a hard look at the people in your life. If you’re giving 110% to a friendship and the other person is only giving 30%, cut your losses. It’ll hurt at first, but you’ll be better for it in the end. Look at yourself in the mirror until you can see your own beauty. Buy yourself that special something you’ve been admiring for months. If you need justification,  call it a holiday present to you, from you. It’s great to be a giver, to be generous and take care of others, but you have to accept things from others sometimes too.

“If I am only for myself, what am I?” Be careful with this one, because the answer could easily be “an asshole.”  Let yourself be selfish sometimes, but not all the time. Put yourself first, but be conscious of the feelings of those around you. Find something that brings you joy andbrightens the lives of others, whether it be sending holiday cards to friends and family, or volunteering at a local food bank. It may take time, but find a balance between selfish and selfless. Too much of either will undoubtedly affect your quality of life.

“If not now, when?” Carpe diem, seize the day! The truth is, that we never know what tomorrow will bring. We don’t know how much time we have left on this Earth. So, ask yourself this third question whenever you have doubts about doing something fulfilling.  Don’t wait for a “better time,”  because there may not be one. One of my mantras is “make every moment count,” and it’s all about not taking a single moment of our lives for granted.

This all sounds fine and dandy, but sometimes life gets in the way.  We are faced with crippling challenges and seemingly insurmountable obstacles. But, no matter how crappy our lives might be at any given point, we are still so lucky to be alive. Be there for others, but remember to be there for yourself too. It’s okay to be sad for a little while, as long as you pick yourself up afterwards and keep on going. It all comes back to Hillel’s first question: “If I am not for myself, who will be for me?” Sure, we all have amazing people in our lives who love and care for us, but in the end, if we are not for ourselves, then the chances are that no one else will be either.

How would you answer these questions? Do you think they apply to anyone of any age and background? Are they a good moral compass?

Does Anyone Know the Real You?

If there’s one thing that really bothers me in this world, it’s people who are fake.  They’re one way to your face, and a completely different way behind your back.  And, when it comes down to it, they don’t really know you at all.

I’ve been watching MTV’s new series “If You Really Knew Me,” and I have to admit that I think it’s brilliant. The people behind Challenge Day really know what they’re doing, and it’s a program that should be mandatory in every high school.  For those who haven’t seen the show, the basic premise is trust building activities that get teens to open up to one another and reveal who they really are on the inside. It sounds corny, but it’s not.  Once you can see beyond the outer shell, you will often find that seemingly polar opposites have a lot in common.

The thing is, it’s not just high schoolers who are afraid to show their true selves to the world. I know plenty of adults who do things they’d rather not, just to fit in. It’s sad to say, but we don’t all outgrow our tendency to be judgmental either.  I bet it won’t take you very long to think of the last time you slapped a label on someone, or made a generalization, without taking the opportunity to get to know them first.

One of the key exercises on Challenge Day is when the students sit in small groups and complete the sentence “If you really knew me…” The things they reveal are almost always unexpected, and often those who call themselves their friends had no idea. How many people know the real you? Are there things that have happened or are happening in your life that no one knows about? If you had to complete that sentence, what would you say?

It’s funny…before this blog, I would have a lot of ways to finish that sentence. Don’t get me wrong, I still have some things that aren’t publicly known, but there are quite a few aspects of my life, my true self, that I’ve written about here.  Doing so has made me more open with my IRL friends. I bottle my emotions less, and share more. It’s definitely a healthier way to go!  It’s very important to me to be genuine in the offline and online world, and I can honestly say that people definitely know the real me. What about you?

The Power Of Smiling :)

STORY of a woman .

One of my favorite movie quotes is from Will Ferrell in Elf, “I just like to smile. Smiling’s my favorite.” Personally, I’m a big fan of smiling, and I hate that I haven’t been doing it as much as I would like. There’s been too much sadness, nervousness and worry in my life recently. I have spent far too many days with a frown on my face. I knew that I needed fun, and friends, and smiles, but I didn’t realize just how badly I needed them.

On Saturday night, my boyfriend and I went out with one of my best and oldest friends, and some of her friends. We went to a bar in the Village and hung out for hours. For the first time in a while, I felt like a normal 24-year-old in NYC. I had fun, I laughed, I smiled…I even talked about my mom without getting too sad to enjoy the rest of the night. My friend and I reminisced about people we grew up with, and told funny stories from when we were younger. She got to spend some quality time with my boyfriend, and I got to know her friends better. For a good hour, I talked about football with one of the guys. It was awesome!

I guess the lesson I learned here is the power of smiling, and the importance of letting loose every once in a while. Setting goals for yourself and working hard to achieve them is great. Being sad and worried about a sad and worrisome situation is totally understandable. But, make time for fun, and friends, and smiles.  Remember that you only live once, and once your 20s are over, they’ll be gone forever. So, live, love, laugh, and smile.